Choose

Upset with an old friend. Not going to talk about it here. Of course. But let's just say that email is wonderful, but cannot replace the phone completely, much as I hate talking on the phone. And is no substitute at all for being there in person. I'm heartbroken, and doubting myself down to my core. And my core is very dire and dark. I am, at the moment, lacking family of any kind, and so few in-person friends to call it none at all. If D didn't reassure me, I would believe myself utterly bereft of human contact. And unworthy of it.

Much of it is my own choice. I will not be used or misused, and am either hypersensitive to misuse, or have chosen badly the people around me. Both, concurrently or sequentially, no doubt. The two misjudgments walk hand in hand. Grief following grief. Loss collapsing into loss.

At least once, I chose, or probably more accurately was chosen, beyond hopes and aspirations. I have no adequate words for the bottomless gratitude I feel for the wonderful human being who most knows me, and most loves me. Only in very dark mood do I doubt that.

Put up the tree. Made the mistake of putting on the blue lights we'd gotten after the season last year. In such a mood, I only put up the fairly colorless, blue or silver, ornaments. We tried to put the multi-colored lights up around the room, and the adhesive tabs failed utterly. In another mood, I'd have seen the humor. Within an hour, I looked at the "tasteful" tree, and said "That is hideous." Blue Christmas kept playing through my head, and I took all the ornaments off, instead of throwing the whole display in the trash, with D's assistance. After a moment's hesitation, we put on the multi colored lights. This helped quite a lot. I will likely add ornaments tomorrow.

Not easy to be cheerful, this year. Have to put in a lot of effort.

Worried about health issues, for both of us. Much is worrisome. Nothing definite yet. Which is good, really. Limbo.

Got tea bag mulling spices and apple juice. Unbelievably comforting. Got our christmas dinner, as well. Our one requirement, enough food on christmas.

Watching a show. TV et al turned off and on. Moby stepped on the switch. We both laugh.