Question

I love my dear one. But there was a time, about two years into the legal marriage phase when I had some severe doubts about whether he really loved me, and if I was compromising myself, or if I was worth anything at all. We didn't talk much, we missed being in step in the busyness of life. I was frustrated at his not doing housework or being able to guess what I would like for a present. The answer came in the form of a question. On Oprah! of all places. Well, I was watching too much daytime tv, when working a 3-11PM shift.

It was John Gottman, talking about his research on couples, happy couples, good relationships. And he had a list of questions, a quiz on how to draw a "Love Map." (Great researcher, terrible at naming.) With great hostility, I had D answer questions about how well he knew me, which I thought he would do very badly at. I was so wrong. I did no better (or worse) at my knowledge of him. And the results: we had a really good relationship, a whole lot going for us. I got to the library and got the book, and cried at the great love I was ruining.

Because I was.

It all came down to a series of questions. What do I care about? What stresses me out? When is my birthday? Who are my friends? Finding out the person I have chosen to share my life with can tell me these things surprized me. The ones he couldn't answer about me, I couldn't answer about myself. He caught onto this, and played Questions with me whenever we were in the car, or lying in bed at night. It became our game, and we both kept winning. We both started getting the attention we needed - in the way we needed it. We both learned how to be loving people. We got more interested in each other. We made the game fun.

In the midst of this, he smashed his elbow. It was deeply stressful for me, but not as painful as it was for him. He took it better than I would have guessed, stoically, always doing all the physical therapy, learning to take care of himself with one arm in a huge splint, dealing with constant pain with admirable bravery, and with graciously expressed gratitude for all help given. And I remembered, having forgotten somehow, that this was a man I wanted at my back in a war zone. On the first morning of the Gulf War, he came to me, braving an irritable National Guard Surgeon colonel, to walk me the mile to breakfast. I knew, gut knew, that this was a capable, kind, brilliant, strong and compassionate human being. No power issues, no manipulation, no petty meanness in him. Just him. And he saw just me. No divisions. Never could answer a question like "what part of me most attracts you?" (Answer, "I don't know, just you.")

Over the years, we keep asking questions. I learned to avoid " What are your three favorite xxxx?" as being too restrictive, and not allowing for a creative answer. Just "What are some xxxx you like today?" And we got creative. One especially difficult game was "Name movies with a (good chase scene, horse as a character, worst dialogue.") This is how we keep in touch. He will even ask me a question out of the blue - "Tell me what you like about your work." We know each other. And there is no greater ideal of love than to be loved utterly by the one who also knows me best. Gives the lie to the old fear of "If you really knew me, you wouldn't love me" bullshit. I now ask these kinds of questions of friends. I am delighted that the memes are running around the blogworld. We are learning to care for each other, as humans will do, regardless of the medium.

If I am sane or stable today, it is because of the mirror he holds up to me. The space he gives me to grow safely, the privacy he guards for me, the attention and admiration he gives me. His honesty, integrity, and reality. Because he is so real. Through and through the same to the core, like a solid chocolate bunny.

For me, the path to life is D-tao. I found the other side of my soul, and I almost missed it. Because I didn't know what question to ask.