Skin

The canard that "Some of my best friends are (despised group)!" proves lack of bigotry, has been swilling around my head. Truth is, I do not have "lots" of any one group of friends. My close circle of friends are pretty pale, largely due to opportunity and contact. But when I start looking at the people who are dearest to me, the picture gets cloudy, and colorful.

My first good friend was Anna, who was Scottish and Iroquois, we were friends from 6th grade until high school, when we found ourselves in different classes and with different interests. Gretchen was German, one of those poor overweight children who is not adequately bathed by her parents. We only became friends after she started taking care of her own hygiene in high school, and a delightful intellect she was. Steve is Irish and Mexican, my best bud in high school, who to no one's surprize turned out gay. We still email occasionally. Anna- Cypriot Greek, Irit - Israeli, Karen - black- and the usual mix. Michelle, Chinese and white, My D, quite white, Moira quite Danish. My first sort-of boyfriend in Jr. High was Mexican, as was the next guy I dated. Followed by MW- very black- we were each dating outside our dominant color for the first time, and really enjoyed the freedom of the different feel of our respective skin. NO, stop that, it was a sort of childlike delight in touching each other's arms, his so hairless and smooth. I would date one other man who was black, the rest white and to my aesthetic disappointment, mostly hairless. (I do like hairy guys. )

Have I picked my non-white friends to emphasize for my point? Well, I have had dinner with all of these friends, cooked for them, lived with a few, kissed most, hugged all. I have as an adult reconnected with all of the ones I knew as a kid, although only one has stayed in contact. No correlation between ethnicity and current friendship that I can discern. I lived in Salt Lake City for 18 years, the most white state in the union, hard to get enough of a cross section for one's friends to be diverse, but (Oh, gods, I'm going to say it) my best friend was lesbian. Sorry, O, but you know it is true. And Jewish. Two in one. Cool. Now? Well, I am beginning to understand the flavor of Boston bigotry. Subtle, but a hard white line across the landscape. But two of our visitors to our new apartment have lovely dark skin, and all the other visitors have been my dear (white) cousins.

Does this mean anything? Not really. Just that we are not snobs, we like outsiders like ourselves. I would have as much trouble relating to someone who spends all their free time at the Hibernian Society as someone who celebrates Kwanzaa all year, or wears purdah. Not impossible, but that very different way of seeing one's identity from how I define myself is bound to be a hurdle to friendship.I do not go out and chose people for their skin color, their ethnic background, any more than I would reject them for that reason alone. I like people for similar interests, a sense of humor, intelligence, wit, open mindedness, proximity, willingness to come visit and be kind to our cat. All of my best friends are very funny.



For the record: Irish, French Canadian (almost certainly native DNA mixed in), Belgian, Scottish, all poor peasant stock. My spouse is total WASP, with ancestors who came over on the Mayflower- he is duly apologetic. Moby is black.