Basic

I can feel that time in my bones still. And in my skin. Running out to the spot where we formed up. Third squad. The faint itch of woolen socks, the pressure of the leather boots on my legs, the dig from the roll of trouser ribbon at my ankle. The field jacket was never warm enough, I shivered in the cold fall air. But the air was sweet, with the wind off the ocean only a mile, or less, away. Not that I really knew where I was. The black leather work gloves weren't warm either, but they protected hands when doing push ups on asphalt. Or in dirt fields. Up close, surfaces took on more reality.

I filled my eyes with unexpected beauty. I watched the geese flying and the colors of dawn. The leaves turned, clouds scudded across steel blue skies.

This was a new kind of emotional connection for me, living in such close proximity to so many people. We watched out for each other. We had to rely on each other. We did not often like each other. We huddled for warmth, we were ordered to stand heel to toe, we had no personal space but our own skins. I would feel for my own own hat position, buttons missed, but we also constantly checked each other for screwy collars, and missed buttons especially at this first morning formation. I had never felt so alone before, I had never before been so much "we".

My confidence grew as I learned what was expected of me. And if I did not know what would happen, the pains in my body wrapped me in a kind of certainty, I was becoming muscular and strong minded. I lived inside my own head, my own skin. I found out quickly that bad thoughts became unbearable, an extra unnecessary weight. So I imagined the earth protecting me, and pushing me on with every step. I imagined my love beside me, not realizing until much later - that wasn't the person I was married to at the time. But it drew me forward.

I'd not have predicted that these few moments of quiet in the morning as we gathered on the ashphalt in front of our barracks would be moments I would remember with utter clarity years away. But I was laying a groundwork for happiness. Learning to be part of other's lives, and accepting care. Suffering together, and succeeding. Becoming cheerful, not because what was outside was making me smile, but because it was coming out of a deep part of me that needed to be cheerful. Deep inside of suffering is a satisfying joy.