Flipping

Last week in a room running late, and we did not have a piece of equipment that should have been stocked by our anesthesia tech, call him A. He's an older guy, his English shaky, and his wife ill, once an anesthesiologist in his old country. He's knowledgable, but not actually very good at his job in terms of being attentive and making sure his docs have what they need, or answering his pager. Friendly and eager, when he's in the room during a crisis he's very helpful, but the results are spotty. Mostly, he doesn't directly affect us, although we often have to run for the supplies he's failed to provide in adequate numbers.

So, I'd been scrubbed in, and my circulator, C. realized that we didn't have O2 transport masks. She'd paged him, no answer. Told her I'd just go get one. She complained that this happened a lot, did I have the same experience, and wasn't I frustrated?

I shrugged and said, "If the light switch doesn't work, I stop flipping it."

A. was sitting in the anesthesia work room, and I walked in, got what I needed and walked out. He looked at me, returned to whatever he seemed to be reading. C. asked if he was there, I said yes. "Did you say anything to him?"

"No. I just got the mask."

"Why doesn't he do his job? Does he answer your pages?" She was angry and wanted to make him do his job. I made a switch flipping motion. I am not his supervisor, I have no say with him, my anger only hurts me. Change the lightbulb, light the candle, the darkness cares not if I curse it.

We have another anesthesia tech who is less experienced, but stays close, very detail oriented. At the staff meeting, when asked if we had anything to say, I mentioned how our new guy has been taking very good care of us, got a chorus of agreement. That felt good.

I'm learning. Creating a reality more peaceful. No excuses, no blame, focusing on my own behaviour, my own choices. Finally getting the idea of compassion for everyone, even if I'm not up to actually doing it consistently, yet. I need some for myself, as I realize I'm not as technically proficient as I once was as a scrub. I can't read the small writing on instruments, I'm slower reacting and learning, I get tired more easily. Turning a situation around helps me feel it differently.

I do, however, need a vacation very badly right now.