Arrangement
Got a lot done. Calls, appointments, applications, arrangements. There are no, (zip, zero, zilch) repeat, no, RN positions at the VA hospital here, I called the VA administration for assistance, and this dismal fact was confirmed. The maintenance guy came, but the clogged/jammed disposal worked just fine for him. I discovered, and hopefully corrected, the insurance billing issue. I applied for a research job, and called and left a message about another one. I will also be looking for other kinds of work.
Got an urgent counseling appointment. She seems to think I am salvageable, and is willing to help mediate with my manager. I am not hopeful about this, but it may give me enough time to find a place to jump to. The message? Ah, all the stuff I already know, already believe in, but have lost touch with, neglected habits. Cumulative PTSD, to use my term.
So, positive action. A morning list, a mantra, mindset goals, all in the affirmative. And an elastic band, to snap on my wrist when I start looking for a reason for my irritation outside myself, to redirect myself to a calm and helpful response - just like dog training. I can't eliminate a bad reaction unless I have a good behaviour to replace it with. I know this. I knew this. I've gotten myself in such a bad knot, all I have are these nearly reflexive and overwhelmingly emotional impulses. Just because I don't act on them doesn't mean it doesn't seep through, tone of voice, facial expression, chaos generation. Self destructive, toxic habits.
And much as I hate the phrase, and the metaphor, I have to be a team player. I have to get along with people, help them, accept their help. I have to carry around a ball of calm and share that. This is going to get worse unless I tackle this head on, right now. I have to learn new skills, or the same ones I learned in the Army, when the Sergeants made everyone do it, so I could trust that I wouldn't be hanging out in the wind. I have to do the same now, but without that reassurance. I can only be a good person myself, no one can make anyone else do anything.
So, I will take the habits that got me through Basic. Be cheerful, be brave, be proud, be alert (the world needs more lerts.) Good words in my head. I've negotiated a little more time.
But, to be honest, the idea of being on Unemployment seems like kind of a relief. Not a good financial move, granted. This is exactly the wrong time to have to find a job, while stressed to breaking. I cannot continue to live with this distress, though. And if that is the only reason I can't hold down this job, I have to change and grow. No excuses, no rationalizations, no evasions. For myself, for those I love.
For D and for Moby.
Got an urgent counseling appointment. She seems to think I am salvageable, and is willing to help mediate with my manager. I am not hopeful about this, but it may give me enough time to find a place to jump to. The message? Ah, all the stuff I already know, already believe in, but have lost touch with, neglected habits. Cumulative PTSD, to use my term.
So, positive action. A morning list, a mantra, mindset goals, all in the affirmative. And an elastic band, to snap on my wrist when I start looking for a reason for my irritation outside myself, to redirect myself to a calm and helpful response - just like dog training. I can't eliminate a bad reaction unless I have a good behaviour to replace it with. I know this. I knew this. I've gotten myself in such a bad knot, all I have are these nearly reflexive and overwhelmingly emotional impulses. Just because I don't act on them doesn't mean it doesn't seep through, tone of voice, facial expression, chaos generation. Self destructive, toxic habits.
And much as I hate the phrase, and the metaphor, I have to be a team player. I have to get along with people, help them, accept their help. I have to carry around a ball of calm and share that. This is going to get worse unless I tackle this head on, right now. I have to learn new skills, or the same ones I learned in the Army, when the Sergeants made everyone do it, so I could trust that I wouldn't be hanging out in the wind. I have to do the same now, but without that reassurance. I can only be a good person myself, no one can make anyone else do anything.
So, I will take the habits that got me through Basic. Be cheerful, be brave, be proud, be alert (the world needs more lerts.) Good words in my head. I've negotiated a little more time.
But, to be honest, the idea of being on Unemployment seems like kind of a relief. Not a good financial move, granted. This is exactly the wrong time to have to find a job, while stressed to breaking. I cannot continue to live with this distress, though. And if that is the only reason I can't hold down this job, I have to change and grow. No excuses, no rationalizations, no evasions. For myself, for those I love.
For D and for Moby.
Posted by Zhoen on Monday, March 30, 2009
7 comments:
(o)
Oh, hugs.
That all sounds good to me, like you're getting the better of this stuff.h
Good luck on the metamorphosis, it can do nothing but help.
Reinventing ourselves nearly always takes us closer to who we are meant to be.
Best wishes for as easy a transformation as possible.
Martha
"be cheerful, be brave, be proud, be alert" - I should have had a spell in the army :)
(0)
sounds like you are moving through this...one step at a time, the only way we can really process anything. i like the way you are thinking and the control you are taking back. :)
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