With great intended compassion, this kind comment was made on a recent post,
"please don't say that you made this mess because of bad choices etc. sometimes one does not know any better and/or things get screwed up. The stupid patriarchy is to blame for for instance not making an escape possible without any help from outside...your inattentiveness or bad choice still not gave him the right to treat you this way..."
I lose nothing by taking responsibility for my own actions. Quite the opposite, I learn. I made this mess, it's my lesson, and I will not allow kindhearted intentions to ease pain, and thereby steal my hard won knowledge.
My accountability does not take any responsibility away from the ex's actions. Justice is not a finite quality that must be divided, parceled out in due proportions. I am wholly responsible for myself, he for himself. I can only speak for myself. I made a mess. I clean it up, and I benefit from my experience, I get the exercise, the sense of accomplishment. It's not a competition, it's my one and only life, and I will not relinquish my choices for ease.
I will not be victim. Wronged, harmed, yes. Not victim. He is to be pitied, I am not. I refuse any kindness that makes me victim.
I will not blame impersonal institutions, ignorance, nor passive voiced happenstance, because then I do not derive the benefit of the lesson. How can I avoid making the same mistakes again, if it is all another person's fault, just one of those things, all because of those men? I must take the pain of it in order to wring every drop of wisdom out of it.
Yes, our social institutions need vast improvement to provide better options. But I am not in politics or law enforcement, I live a small life. I can and will only speak to my own view. "My universe is my eyes and my ears, more than that I cannot say." To quote Douglas Adams.
Character and integrity comes not from what happens to me in my life, but how I respond to it. This is all I have, all I can offer.
That, and photos of Moby.
7 comments:
hi I had written you a long comment for clarifictaion which I deletd forI thought it would be better if I would email it to you yet I could not not find your emailadress anywhere on your website. However, there is a lot to say about resonsibility and choice and victimhood and I don't agree with all your points, but for sure I did not intend to make you with kindness a victim, I did not mean it so one hand sided.
Antonia,
I get all comments in my email, so it got to me.
And I disagree. For myself. For all the reasons stated above. Because Justice is not a pie, with pieces sliced and apportioned, despite what our legal system does. My integrity is not in any way affected by another's actions, or if they are not punished for harming me. The sin was long ago, but I still cherish the knowledge.
Feel free to post your rebuttal on your site, I promise to come take a look. Take your time, breathe, disagree, but consider your words, think.
Absolutely right about personal responsibility and the function of the word "victim" IMHO.
hi zhoen, I'm ok with your disagreement, I also don't understand justice as a pie, only just one can see these things differently - so if you got this other comment this was what I mainly would have to say in one or the other form. Still, there remains alot to say about these things anyway since they are not that simple, so maybe one day I write a rebuttal or maybe also not. Let you know if.
I just don't want to be fussy with such a serious issue just now, the main thing is you got away and have a better, good life.
I think it is hard for many people to understand that there is a crucial difference between accepting responsibility and accepting blame.
The former is empowering and teaches and the latter is disempowering and leaves the person in question a victim.
You are right about this Zhoen. We can't change other people - and all we have to work with is ourselves, the lessons we learn, the radar we develop from going through such experiences. And if we lay blame aside and examine without judgment, it becomes clear what our own part was in how this kind of situation developed. Whether it happens in a situation or society geared to support us or ignore us, the reality is we deal or die there. And we need to know how to deal.
Really excellent entry.
And the pictures of Moby are no little offering, either.
(o)
Post a Comment