Chatter

Hit my head at work on Thursday, and let the Chattering Monkey (CM) get to me. Car battery dead when I left work, got a jump from security, should have gone directly out to get a new battery, but I was tired and just went home. Ill, throbbing headache through the night, battery still dead in the morning. Called in sick, AAA came and charged the battery, after it got light and I'd gotten over the worst of my unhappy gut, drove immediately out to get it replaced. The battery, not my gut. Work called, asked me to come in if possible, so by 0930, I was there. Good thing, I was quite useful for a while.

Manager called me in over the snarl at CM, which was another series of details now written out in an email I will never send, but those don't matter. Not really.

“The only reason we don't open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don't feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else's eyes. ”
― Pema Chödrön

I need to see the people who drive me crazy as the demons with the most important lessons to teach. With CM, I don't feel strong or sane at all, only annoyed and out of control. But I had a moment of clarity, or rather glimpse after glimpse, like shadows at the edge of my vision that I could not bring into focus, that finally coalesced as I woke.

I must answer her chattering with silently noting my exhale. I realize this does not make sense written out. I can't let her effect me, not even to give her an answer to her persistent social questions. I have to acknowledge her, and treat her with the patient compassion of one meditating, to the burbling thoughts that intrude. They will keep happening, but I don't have to follow them, react to them, just let them flow back out. I have to listen to her, in case what she is asking for has to do with work. But I don't have to be irritated, and I can simply smile and nod. I don't know if I can manage looking into her eyes, but one step at a time.

CM is completely out of control. But I can't control her. Look at what trouble I have controlling my own reaction to her? It's one of my core fears, maybe the one at the bottom of it all. People shouting, jumping, wild, angry, terrify me. So, I have to face that, as all fear must be faced in order to strip away its power.

Oh, and the battery? I knew it was on it's last legs, should have taken it in before now, that is on me. My own inattention. Tiny thing - that battery. Security, AAA and Pep Boys guys all commented on how small it is. Not cheap, therefore. Found out how to get the code to reset the radio, thanks to Oogle.

The pumpkin I got for a jack-o-lantern is minimally carved and on the front porch, it was rotten, probably cancerous, inside. The smell stayed in my nose a long time. I composted everything inside.


I should have thought more about that pucker. Not just a quirk, but damage.


Got the plastic insulation up on the north windows. Kitchen cleaned, mostly because I had to move everything to get the kitchen windows covered.

Thumped forehead feeling better this morning. Still swollen and tender. Church bells pealing, a wonderful sound, like train whistles and ship horns.