Maximum

I failed. When I called back the center staff, instead of being put back on a list and given some time, I was forgiven and immediately offered another position - that also deviated from most of my stated preferences. Unfortunately, I reflexively, if reluctantly, tried to be reasonable and accommodating. And the staffer, even realizing I was upset, did not tell me what I should have been telling myself. Think about it, consider overnight, or another week. And in the middle of the night, the remorse set in. I finally got up at 0430, the email already written in my head, saying that I could not keep my commitment, but at least I was not going to start, and then flake out.

I wanted to do this, I really thought I could, and they would be able to accommodate my limitations and tight schedule. I thought they would make sure it was a good fit, for the sake of the students as well as me. Now I don't think I can trust them at all. And I feel terrible.

And irritated with them that I was put in the position of having to say "no" so many times. Why give out a form for what kind of class and availability, if they are not going to abide by it? And if it looks too restrictive, simply telling the volunteer that they don't have a place for them? Instead of making me confront them?

Twice?

And in this town, not clearly labeling a class setting as belonging to the Dominant Church Here is just asking for trouble from half the population. Whereas the other half would be attracted by that information. So, to avoid it is disingenuous at best.

I will return the bag and the book. Don't want it staring at me. I will not volunteer for anything again. If it's worth doing, it's going to be worth getting paid for, or that I enjoy doing without a group intercession.

But this is my failure, my momentary blindness to my own capabilities and time and unwillingness to drive. Tutoring was frightening enough, and any compromise on anything else I should have stood firm on. Of course, I wasn't asked, it was simply presented. I could hear the irritation as I expressed reserve about working with a pre-literate student to start with, "This is very typical of our clients..." And in the middle of the night, I knew that what I should have said was, yes, but I'm not your typical volunteer. I'm not a student, unemployed or a retiree with more time than I knew what to do with. What I would write to her is that I always knew I would be limited and marginal, and I'd come to realize that my maximum was never going to meet her minimum.

But education is never wasted. I may yet use this training. I won't forget.

Sucks, though. But, a woman's just got to know her limitations. I'm just not that generous.