Believe

There is a blog theme going around, about what I once believed that I don't believe anymore. And I found a great antipathy to the word Belief. I tried to write an essay for the NPR What I Believe, and came out with an awkward anti-belief rant. Needless to say, they never expressed any interest.

I don't think I ever quite got my head around God, although I was taught to believe without question. But when I lost a ring at age seven, and dared God to prove the existence of deity, and the ring wasn't found until nearly a year later, I'd spent all that time not believing - quite on purpose. Once the ring was found, I lingered in the ambivalence - until no longer required to believe by my mother.

Santa Claus I at least had physical proof for. Once I was told Santa didn't exist, and they couldn't afford to fill the stocking that year, I put up one on Christmas Eve, quite sure they were wrong, and there would at least be an orange in the toe. When there wasn't, bitterness filled the place where most people keep their faith. "You can't fool me, there ain't no sanity clause!"

Guardian Angels were more my speed, and that was more hope and comfort than actual belief. Like engineers' belief in ghosts in the machine. It's more a matter of, well, not literal belief, but something's going on beyond our ken, so gotta call it something, and no harm in propitiating whatever it is. I know something happens when people die, as well as when babies are born, I've experienced both as witness. It's powerful and utterly real, but I detest the idea of putting it in a box and defining it to tatters.

Oh, I've had a lot of thoughts, ideas that have been disproven or discredited, fears found to be misguided or ungrounded. I behave superstitiously, especially in the OR, not out of belief, but to back up preparations to be ready for worst case scenarios, or trusting my instincts - because I may have non-consciously sensed something that just hasn't made it up to the logical part of my brain yet. I don't rely on it, it's more of a comfort. Often enough I have averted, or lessened, problems because I got that extra battery, or second suture, or stood by during emergence for no obvious reason.

I used to think that the rage I'd been fed would always be who I was. That no one would ever be a long time friend, because when they knew the real me, they would know I wasn't worth having as a friend. I thought "sell while you can, you are not for all markets" when I married a man I had no passion for. I dreamed of acting for a living. I used to be afraid of the dark. I used to think all I needed to be happy was to live near the mountains or by the ocean. I thought 'smart' was my only quality, and would be all I'd need.

But I always dropped these thoughts and fears, in the presence of evidence to the contrary. Belief isn't like that. Belief hunkers down and plows through.

I stand alone without belief. I suspect I see more clearly, but then, I would think that.