Lessons
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Counseling again today. And I run smack into a known, but so far insoluble problem. How to connect to people when I have no shared interests. Food as a subject bores me, irritates me. If I could stay healthy with a pill (as the SF of the fifties promised) I so would. No grocery shopping, no cooking, no cleaning up after. And the people I work with? Gourmands, love the Food Network, wax rhapsodic over recipes (chemical directions, to me), and diet to fight their (mostly non-existent) fat. I draw away, and keep silent, rather than criticize or make negative comments. But this leaves them feeling like I'm pushing them away. Guys don't care if you contribute to a conversation, ask them about their team, and let 'em talk. Ok, only sports guys, but that's the analogous population.
But only seeing the "can't" doesn't help me join in. Which I need to. This is how I lay a groundwork of good will. I've never known how to do this. Nearly every work group I've been in, any subject I could find interesting was ridiculed or labeled snobbish, by those around me. Cats? People at work have no problem telling me straight out they "Hate cats." I've had my musical tastes ripped apart, old movies or challenging books - no good - I get blank looks at best. Maybe I need to be more like the devoted Trekkies who proudly wave their freak flag. My silence is, I think, what is being misread. It's a place for others to write their own insecurities.
So, my job this week is to come up with ways to join in. I'm leaving food, because it's fraught. My mother battled her weight with yo-yo diets and despair. There was intermittently not enough food in the house, and money for food always mattered. I don't like sharing food, or making it, except with very close friends. And even then, I prefer a restaurant. Food is a chore, of similar interest as vacuuming or laundry, only with the added element of money.
So, what else? I've never known how to reach out when I've been dismissed. Or how to find a way into a discussion where I have nothing positive to say. I can't even express interest without lying. But I must find them interesting as people, as human souls. I have to find the compassion to reach out in a way that is genuine, but not about the job.
Start by asking questions, sure. That's one thread.
I can't hope to interest any of them in what I love. That's never worked. And insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. This is where I have to learn to reach out.
Lessons not learned do keep coming back, in harder form. Dammit.
Counseling again today. And I run smack into a known, but so far insoluble problem. How to connect to people when I have no shared interests. Food as a subject bores me, irritates me. If I could stay healthy with a pill (as the SF of the fifties promised) I so would. No grocery shopping, no cooking, no cleaning up after. And the people I work with? Gourmands, love the Food Network, wax rhapsodic over recipes (chemical directions, to me), and diet to fight their (mostly non-existent) fat. I draw away, and keep silent, rather than criticize or make negative comments. But this leaves them feeling like I'm pushing them away. Guys don't care if you contribute to a conversation, ask them about their team, and let 'em talk. Ok, only sports guys, but that's the analogous population.
But only seeing the "can't" doesn't help me join in. Which I need to. This is how I lay a groundwork of good will. I've never known how to do this. Nearly every work group I've been in, any subject I could find interesting was ridiculed or labeled snobbish, by those around me. Cats? People at work have no problem telling me straight out they "Hate cats." I've had my musical tastes ripped apart, old movies or challenging books - no good - I get blank looks at best. Maybe I need to be more like the devoted Trekkies who proudly wave their freak flag. My silence is, I think, what is being misread. It's a place for others to write their own insecurities.
So, my job this week is to come up with ways to join in. I'm leaving food, because it's fraught. My mother battled her weight with yo-yo diets and despair. There was intermittently not enough food in the house, and money for food always mattered. I don't like sharing food, or making it, except with very close friends. And even then, I prefer a restaurant. Food is a chore, of similar interest as vacuuming or laundry, only with the added element of money.
So, what else? I've never known how to reach out when I've been dismissed. Or how to find a way into a discussion where I have nothing positive to say. I can't even express interest without lying. But I must find them interesting as people, as human souls. I have to find the compassion to reach out in a way that is genuine, but not about the job.
Start by asking questions, sure. That's one thread.
I can't hope to interest any of them in what I love. That's never worked. And insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. This is where I have to learn to reach out.
Lessons not learned do keep coming back, in harder form. Dammit.
Labels: assignments
Posted by Zhoen on Wednesday, April 29, 2009
9 comments:
You seem to have the opposite difficulty to me. I have no trouble talking with people, once I get started. It's the getting started that gets me.
Although I don't think I've ever met anyone in my life who liked the same stuff as me.
Food is a chore.
Zhoen, how awful.
Come up with ways to join in.
Sounds a whole lot easier than it really is. I too have trouble 'joining in'. I wouldn't describe myself as having this to the same degree you do, however, very much of the time I stay silent as whatever is the topic I either care little for, or have nothing to add.
One thing I've done is to join a book group - this helps in that at least once a month I am meeting with people with a concrete topic upon which to expound. As I happen to socialize periodically with some of the same people that are in the book group, during the month I can also ask them how they are finding the book so far...
Good luck!
word verification: borkili (a form of brocoli for people like you and I who consider food as a chore)
Pacian,
I do know people who like a lot of the same stuff, or at least a lot of overlap. Married one of them.
Bill,
Is it? I feel the same about folks who consider writing a letter a punishment, or reading a book to be work.
Phil,
It's not a problem among friends, it's purely a work issue. If they feel more connected to me, my manager is not going to be able to elicit complaints about me. It's my way of finally learning to deal with work politics, always a weak point.
I have tried book clubs, read two books that I hated, and then they never met, two different groups. Maybe I'll try loaning a few books, but I have my doubts than anyone there would like anything I have.
perhaps you could share your reasons for your disinterest in food WITH them as you did with us. that might open you all up to intimate disclosures. when we are willing to be vulnerable with others, those with whom we share our inner selves are often willing to share themselves. inside that arena are the true ingredients of friendship and understanding. you might be surprised at the feelings which could come out of such disclosure. when we understand why people react as they do we respond very differently.
Most of us have faced this at one time or the other, some more than the others, but it's not an unfamiliar situation to be in.
I suppose it would be easier to join in and listen on if one were not expected to talk and contribute to the conversation. If they would not mistake the silence for disinterest.
At times it's the passion people show for something they like that's far more interesting than the subject itself.
So much good advice for you here, Zhoen - so I'll just say I wish you were near enough to join our book-club, started simply as a means of bringing neighbours together. We don't agree about anything, but have so much fun expalining our different viewpoints. So much fun that it's now expanded into a film club, and we don't agree on films, either.
Yes, I think you need to try a new book group. We never all agree on the books but it's still interesting.
I go for the asking questions thing. It's amazing what people will tell you.
I loved the little film of you! You're much prettier than any of the photos you post of yourself, and seem very sweet - what a nice voice and a lovely smile!
Went to ONe Word Aloud. I've said it before and I'll say it again...Z. you have the most beautiful voice. More please.
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