Work
I was given a heartfelt and lovely tribute today, for which I am very grateful. But one aspect was not at all deserved. For it included D, and our relationship.
you really make your
relationship work, and I know you both have to work at it,
Actually, being with D is easy as breathing. Which is to say, most of the time an unthought essential, quiet and effortless. Only when interrupted or labored is it painful, frightening, a dreadful wake up. Not the being with him, but the thought of being without.
We are grateful and kind and attentive, which took some practice to get right. But practice that is more like play, like the way children throw themselves into learning the alphabet backwards, or the names of the constellations. We strive to be fair to each other, eager to be generous - just to be on the safe side.
It's true we have had to adjust to each other's oddities, but we, which is to say I, learned not to separate those weaknesses out as distinct from who we are. (D started with this assumption.) Anxiety and sensitivity are two sides of the same trait. As well as my tendency to anger and my passion for not being stupid. D's memory and intelligence are facilitated by his ability to not hear or notice anything when he is engaged. He wouldn't complain of my slack cleaning, because he wouldn't notice. He appreciates anything I cook, because he rates it compared to how difficult it would be for him to do.
Admittedly, it took some trial and error to get the mix right, to understand the mechanisms and discard assumptions. Seeing no malice, I had to reframe every apparent neglect as, well, D not being a controller, nor a user. The hard part, keeping true to myself, while minimizing the toxic reactions - like rage. For D, it seemed to be taking his distractibility seriously, eventually getting into a study, then treatment. And as we work on ourselves for each other, we become more thoroughly our best selves.
Slow to anger, easy to please, this isn't work, it's the easy way. Not work at all, but a willingness to turn it over and over until we understand, aha. To chose to struggle for comprehension, instead of react with irritation. Eyes open, hearts open, tenderly admiring each other's strength and courage. Laughing instead of shouting. Holding each other instead of shutting each other out. Strenuous play.
you really make your
relationship work, and I know you both have to work at it,
Actually, being with D is easy as breathing. Which is to say, most of the time an unthought essential, quiet and effortless. Only when interrupted or labored is it painful, frightening, a dreadful wake up. Not the being with him, but the thought of being without.
We are grateful and kind and attentive, which took some practice to get right. But practice that is more like play, like the way children throw themselves into learning the alphabet backwards, or the names of the constellations. We strive to be fair to each other, eager to be generous - just to be on the safe side.
It's true we have had to adjust to each other's oddities, but we, which is to say I, learned not to separate those weaknesses out as distinct from who we are. (D started with this assumption.) Anxiety and sensitivity are two sides of the same trait. As well as my tendency to anger and my passion for not being stupid. D's memory and intelligence are facilitated by his ability to not hear or notice anything when he is engaged. He wouldn't complain of my slack cleaning, because he wouldn't notice. He appreciates anything I cook, because he rates it compared to how difficult it would be for him to do.
Admittedly, it took some trial and error to get the mix right, to understand the mechanisms and discard assumptions. Seeing no malice, I had to reframe every apparent neglect as, well, D not being a controller, nor a user. The hard part, keeping true to myself, while minimizing the toxic reactions - like rage. For D, it seemed to be taking his distractibility seriously, eventually getting into a study, then treatment. And as we work on ourselves for each other, we become more thoroughly our best selves.
Slow to anger, easy to please, this isn't work, it's the easy way. Not work at all, but a willingness to turn it over and over until we understand, aha. To chose to struggle for comprehension, instead of react with irritation. Eyes open, hearts open, tenderly admiring each other's strength and courage. Laughing instead of shouting. Holding each other instead of shutting each other out. Strenuous play.
Labels: D, dribs, love story
Posted by Zhoen on Saturday, August 23, 2008
10 comments:
This resonates..........
I thought it might...
slow to anger, easy to please would be bliss. I fear that in our household the piano strings can be a bit taut at times...
(o)
(o)
Rosie,
It can be done. I grew up with the impossible to please, shouters and ragers. I carried those habits a long time, and they dragged me down, taking out friends as I stomped through life. Other perspectives can be learned, practiced.
I want to believe you, I really do.
It takes two to tango, but maybe one can initiate and try to break habits that stretch back for two decades...change those dance steps that keep going round in circles!
Which I actually find a little depressing. Do you think that, more than being about people dedicating themselves to a relationship, it's just about the dumb luck of two compatible people meeting one another?
P,
Maybe the hard work is what we do to ourselves, not each other. There is some luck, no question. But a good relationship with a good person is still screw-up-able. I nearly did.
Rosie,
Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman.
(o)
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