Yoyo
How is it a cat on the floor can look straight up, yet stare at you eye to eye?
Natalie describes a strange and illuminating experience, which my mind turned into an iconic tableaux of my own original family relationship.
My father towers, angry, red faced. My mother stands beside him, one hand vaguely holding him back, the other pulling me toward him, as she cries, pleading for me to go to him.
I have not spoken to either for four years. Not to my father for eight - more. They do not have my phone or address. When they die, my cousin E will let me know. E only has my email, because my mother kept trying to get my old address from her through her mother, and I hated putting her in the middle. She can't tell what she don't know.
I like to allow others the choice to say No. I had to work way too hard to claim the privilege for myself.
Feh. All this upset keeps throwing up old crap. Toss it. Hope it stays tossed.
Labels: Moby-Photos, parents
Posted by Zhoen on Wednesday, April 23, 2008
19 comments:
I can't imagine what that's like, cutting off all contact with parents. I know several other people in that situation and there must have been good reasons to decide on such radical separation. In my case, whatever flaws my oarents had towards me, I loved (love) them too much to ever disconnect. But I know I'm lucky that way.
Your profile photo is quite awesome.
Personally, I don't see why simply sharing a certain pattern of DNA with someone makes people feel compelled to devote themselves to people who've never actually earned their trust.
Pacian,
Yeah, see, this is my point exactly. Thank you.
bill, gosh. I was thinking of changing it for something less serious.
Now that you said that I can't see it at all. I tried to get it to read serious. I squeezed and pressed it in, but it popped back out again. Your mouth is doing something. You look secretly happy. Like you know it's not appropriate, which it's probably not, but there you are, smiling
When I said awesome, I meant the light, the shapes, the shadows. It's very good, to my taste anyway.
Have you seen it like this?
http://tinyurl.com/6phsoc
Ah, zhoen, I do see your point. I don't know that such crap ever stays tossed, but I think sometimes it can become composted.
I will add that the lighting and enigmatic expression of your profile pic remind me of a cross between Vermeer and da Vinci. All of which doesn't really come across in the tiny mode, of course.
(o)
I agree with MB about the photo. 'Cross between Vermeer and Da Vinci' is spot on.
The pain of needing to cut loose from poisonous, unmanageable, awful family relationships is made worse by the incomprehehsion or disbelief of others who insist 'but it's family...', or those who sentimentally insist that while brutal fathers deserve the push, colluding mothers somehow don't. More people have to, or probably should, disconnect than is generally acknowledged.
I was lucky, whatever my parents' shortcomings; Tom was not. There's no obligation to forgive. Death and distance help.
Times of tiredness and uncertainty can make such things loom larger; it will ease, you'll feel better soon.
{{{ zhoen }}}
I'm just glad that in spite of the crap toss, you've created your own happy family, interesting life--and that we, "strangers" in the blogosphere, get to share it.
http://tinyurl.com/56p6oe
You're not strangers. Friends, all. No question. You know me pretty well, and you like me. I know you as much as you are truthful in your writing, which is why I like all of you. Best description of friendship.
Natalie, I'm very glad there was more to love in your parents.
mb, jean, lucy, aw shucks. (I admit, it's one of my favorite photos of myself. Ever.)
Zhoen, I'm beginning to worry that I've given offense. I'm very sorry if this the case. I've taken down the site.
Bill,
No, no, I just had nothing to add. If I'd been offended, it would have been deleted. That's all. I'm just quite comfortable with silence, and allowing others to have the last word.
Hei again, Zhoen. I originally followed you home on the strength of your photo. Obviously, I come back for the writing, and the attitude, I suppose. There's a lot of pain there.
oh, do i understand this post! i wish i had the courage to cut my parents off. it is my mother who keeps me compelled to stay connected. why that is i don't know. her persistence in remaining married to an abusive bully who expects his children to treat him like a king while he treats us like irrelevant chess pieces should have been enough for me to leave her alone. but, it hasn't been so far. now she is elderly, feeble, has dementia and many other health problems, and i worry about her and his caretaking or lack thereof. i can hardly stand the man (my father in terms of biology only), but i put up with him to some degree to remain connected to her. he is verbally abusive to us all and is still the dispicable man he was all through my years at home. when he begins his verbal tirade i tell him i am not going to be abused and that i am hanging up the phone. i don't permit the abuse to continue. when we visit we stay in a hotel so i have some peace of mind each night and a place to retreat to when he becomes too hateful. i can't bear to be in the house too long. we visit once a year (3,000 miles away). i spend most of that time miserable since he demands attention and expects us to wait on him hand and foot. there will be some kind of relief when my mother is gone - out of her pain (physical and emotional), out of his house and out from under his control, out of this life which despite its intense misery she has remained affixed to.
she still knows us all and can carry on telephone conversations though she is very forgetful and gets confused. if her dementia gets to a place before she dies where she has no clue i am here or that she is missing me, i think cutting them off will be a breeze.
Sky,
I am so sorry. I thought hard about how I would feel if I never spoke to either again, ever. I decided I would be a more whole person, and not feel excessive guilt nor remorse. Your question may be different, what would be the hardest part, and is that acceptable. If it is, then cut yourself free. Know that you will grieve, and healing takes time, but freedom is always worth the price. If it is not, then do whatever you have to do to survive for now.
Remember, old ladies can live a long, long time.
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