Men

My father, when he was irritable, which is to say he was breathing, would accuse me of being a "women's libber." When he was mad, he would say I was "Independent!" My brothers bemoaned the passing of the fashion of the mini-skirt. My mother complained of men as slobs, who had to be coddled. My aunt said a wife was merely an unpaid whore. I found all of this troubling. I detested my father, loved my brothers, loved my mother and aunt and uncle.

When I began to study the women's movement, I listened carefully to the most intelligent speakers. I began to form an understanding that privilege, accepting doors being opened, and going first, meant losing rights - to have one's own credit. I listened to all the voices that said, this is not about women being in power, just not being deprived of power over their own lives. This resonated, as my father, an idiot, had power over my life, that he abused. I did not want to chose for others, I wanted only to have the right to chose for myself. I called myself a dyed-in-the-wool feminist.

I have had a number of friends over the years, women who dated women. "Dated." I heard about the relationships, the dysfunction, the anguish, the love. The lesson I took from those stories is that it is not about men, nor women, but people and relationships. Because the stories of girlfriends who were crap sounded just like the stories about boyfriends who were crap.

And I took statistics. Kept abreast of studies, since sex in any form interests me. And that bell curve is important, because if I were to take the average man and the average woman, they would have more in common than either ends of the spectrum of women with other women, or men with other men. And if I am careful to chose a man on the feminine slide of the curve, match him with a woman on the male side, they will have more in common than most anyone of the same sex with someone else in the same sex. Hormones influence, they do not determine.

I took it upon myself, in a group of guy friends, to patiently correct sexist assumptions. Self importantly, I admit. The method being, to turn it around. "I want a cute girl." Well, what if all the girls you might date only want cute guys? Is that fair? I insisted on being listened to, when I had something to say. I never indulged in slighting men, always turning it around for myself as well. "Never argue with a man, he'll never listen anyway." Not ok, because the obverse certainly is not. I scoured my own unconscious anti-male bias as I went. There was not much there, since I never went through an I hate boys phase. Prejudice is prejudice, and I take everyone as an individual, including children.

To say "I like men" is just as suspect as "I love women." I don't want to be lumped in with anyone. I do prefer male politics, generally, the company of men is easier for me. But tough minded women, educated and interested in the world, are just as good. Better, if only for rarity sake.

I mind the women who think it is good to jokingly abuse men. Or want to sponge off them. Or use them in a way they would not want to be used.

Not ok, really not ok.